Valentines Day is just a week away in football terms it’s the likewatching a first half at Old Trafford these days. It’s fair to say that Valentine ’s Day doesn’t exactly stir the emotions in the sexes in the same way. For most blokes it’s like watching American football for the first time, a long drawn out, complicated, over hyped, spectacle  but once you get into it and understand it a bit better it can be rather enjoyable .

Lets face it, being a lad isn’t a bad gig, as romantic partners there isn’t a huge amount of expectation place on Irish blokes. Most detest February 14th but I think it’s something that needs to be embraced and enjoyed. Realistically we need to make an effort for four days a year, Christmas Day, Birthday, Anniversary and next Sunday, that is 0.0109% of the time. Given the summer of sport ahead it’s imperative to make a fuss of her now to ensure peace and quiet when you want to watch Romania v Switzerland next June.

Here’s my suggestion, book somewhere decent for Saturday night, I mean good, invest in this night. A top spot that she can get dressed up and go all out for, not the usual Chineese you bring her too before a few pints at the local. This gives her the incentive to head off for the day and get ready. This is probably the biggest difference between the sexes from a psychological perspective, lads can be totally ready for a night out in under twenty minutes if needs be, a woman needs at least three days notice if she’s going to do it right. But this isn’t an issue as far as I’m concerned lads should appreciate, respect and manipulate this.

Lets look at the timeline, you tell her today that you have dinner plans for next Saturday, that gives her six days to look forward to you doing something nice. Six days is generally sufficient to pick an outfit, four hundred times and keep changing her mind, but again this is her prerogative. You after all only need to decide which shirt and jeans smell the least funky.

The real work starts on Friday with the spray tan. This is a major procedure in itself, when it comes to fake tan most Irish women go through more bottles a country pub on a Saturday night, but we all know that can be very hit and miss. Standing practically naked with someone nonchalantly coating you in a cold liquid from an apparatus that wouldn’t look out of place on a building site, barking at you to move from one pose to another, one more ridiculous than the last. Her odd behaviour subsequently; looking like an extra from Django Unchained for a brief period, avoiding water like a Mogwai before for fear of turning into a gremlin like creature, is perfectly reasonable to achieve a bronzed Goddess look.

As an initial step it’s a lot of work but when I think of all the times I found Nemo after a night on the pull to discover it was some bird from Mayo that only tanned the bits you could see. (use pic of nemo)

After that its onto the hair, make up, nails, eye lashes, eye brows, most lads think of the cost I think of the peace and quiet. While she’s off being made presentable you can enjoy Soccer Saturday with Jeff and the lads.

I am all for women going to all out to impress their fellas, all too often the opposite happens, they let themselves go and the relationship stone piles on. If you look good you feel good, so if she looks amazing you are guaranteed to enjoy her company far more. A sincere compliment from her man is what ever women loves, they are experts at detecting insincerity though, it takes years of practice to be able to fake sincerity trust me.

When you do finally sit down for dinner and gaze lovingly at this new improved version of herself remember she has done all this for you. The plucking, the preening, the touch ups are 70% for your benefit (20% for other women and 10% herself) If women wore make up for themselves it’d be the first thing they did in the morning, instead make up is only applied when leaving the house to meet others, more effort still is made when going on a night out and the most made up a woman will ever be, when she’s the centre of attention, at her own wedding. I have no problem with women wearing make up in fact given some of the swampdonkeys that I’ve woken up beside I actively encourage longer lasting product.

My advice is to let her go crazy and make the most of the week end, if you keep her happy then you’re in for a Super Sunday…..Arsenal v Leicester, Villa v Liverpool and City v Spurs